Hello Friends,

Thanks so much for visiting my blog.  I’ve started many a blog before and abandoned them after a post or two but I am hoping to be consistent with this one.  The last few weeks, months and years have been really rough, some of the most difficult years I’ve experienced.  And, I’m afraid, it’ll get much, much worse before it even gets better.  If it ever gets better…

Tonight, on this cool summer evening in New York City, I find myself hoping for faith.  Somewhere in the past fews years, I lost faith.  I lost faith in better things, good things, in the possibilities of things.  I was never particularly religious but I used to have a strong belief in God and the Universe and Good (as vague as that sounds).  Recently, however, I’ve been so hammered down by life that I’m afraid to even ask, to even hope.  It’s hard to explain.  I had a pretty terrible childhood but one thing that kept me going was the idea that things were going to be alright.  I found beauty in things, miracles in small events, promises in rainclouds.  I thought the Universe and I had something going.  Then, things changed.  They changed and changed and kept getting worse.  I felt like the Universe slapped me hard across the face and while I was down, spit on me.  I was shocked and afraid.  Now I’m afraid to dream and to hope.  I feel like things will come crashing down again if I have any expectations.

My life right now is a trainwreck.  In a nutshell:

1) I’m married to a guy with OCPD (it’s not OCD, they just gave this insidious disorder a stupid name so everyone thinks it is OCD; basically it’s like being with a person who has Aspergers, Narcissism, and OCD all rolled into one terrible package–oh yeah, it gets worse with age and there’s no cure).  Here is what life is like with this person: He’s unstable in mood so it’s like walking on eggshells all the time.  He hates life and the world in general (not because he’s depressed but because his disorder puts him at odds with an imperfect, messy world).  He is really quick to point out flaws and dole out lovely names for me (for example: “Animal,” as in “You disgusting animal” not as in “You sexy beast”).  We are not intimate with each other to the point that I can’t even remember the last time we held hands.  It may have been years ago and I just remember it felt uncomfortable for both of us–me, because who wants to hold hands with someone who doesn’t want to hold hands with you and him, because, well, he probably hates me or is disgusted by me or both.  My marriage is loveless, sexless and as cold as ice.  It hurts.  All. The. Time.

2) My Mother, my best friend, who was like my North Star and compass has the beginning stages of dementia and falls down so much that she’s very dependant on me, her only child.

3)  My parents always had and continue to have a bad marriage where they fight and I am stuck in the middle of it–to this day.  It’s really fun when my Mom has dementia and is vulnerable and my Dad will barely talk to her while living together with her.  Also, they have some really, really bad, horrible secrets that they disclosed ONLY to me at the age of 10 and it’s been a burden to carry around this horrible-ness.  No, I can’t tell you.  And yes, someone would go to prison if anyone found out.

4)  My Dad has six other (much older kids) from his previous marriage who live fabulously wonderful lives where they’re really close, happy and together with their husbands, multiple children, nice homes, etc., etc.  It’s an awesome backdrop to my constant lonely misery.

5) I have almost no other family.  I don’t have a cousin I can call and vent to.  I don’t have a sister whose shoulder I can cry on.  You get the picture.

6) I have health issues involving autoimmunity that knock me off my feet for a couple of weeks of the year.

7) I have a toddler who is amazing but really attuned to the fact that his father and I have issues.

8) I’m pregnant with twins.  Four months pregnant.  You may be wondering how that happened if we aren’t intimate with each other.  Let’s just say that it was brief, awkward and done so that my toddler could have siblings.

9) I have anger issues and probably am suffering from severe depression.

10) All of my friends have normal lives with great families and husbands and kids.  When I try to talk to my friends about my issues, they’re nice and sympathetic but they also don’t know how to relate or what to say.  They fight with their husbands over things like where they should vacation.

I guess a lot of people have it much worse but it’s been hard for me to deal with.   Really hard.  And I have all sorts of white hairs to prove it!