Women and Men, Men and Women, Part 1

I'm sure I'm going to have a lot to say about this topic so this is just part 1.  The differences between men and women always astound me.  Say what you want about equality but I say, no matter what society you live in, women have it tough.  In the modern United States of America, we women celebrate our right to study, work and climb up the career ladder.  It's great but you know what's happened?  Society has screwed us over again.  Now, (and this is the reality for a lot of women--if you're one of the lucky women who has it all great, find a happy blog and stop reading my vent) many women will find themselves in the position of doing the lion's share of household work, child-rearing, etc. while also contributing financially to the household.  AND you have to look really good, thin and young while you're doing it.  Huh?  Is this equality?

I'm all for opportunity but I think that there are biological issues at hand.  For example, I'm pregnant with twins.  It's not fun.  No matter how great a husband might be, he will never physically experience what it is like to carry another human being inside his body.  He won't give birth to that baby.  He will never breast feed that baby.  Okay, forget pregnancy--do you know what a drag having a monthly period is?  How painful it is for many women (like moi)?  Men don't have to deal with that.

I'll vent more on this later but just take a look at the double standards here: A woman who gains weight is ridiculed whereas a man who lets himself go is called having a sexy Dadbod.  Thoughts?

 

Image credits: http://students.com.miami.edu/reporting/celebrity-weight-is-it-news/

http://www.dailyedge.ie/mom-bod-2096868-May2015/

Therapy

Tomorrow, I go to therapy again.  I started therapy 9 months ago after a particularly devastating week.  I looked around for a therapist for a while and finally found one that I liked a lot.  I mean, she's pretty good and does the whole CBT thing.  Sometimes, I get frustrated, however.  And I come from a therapist background so it's surprising to me but I do feel unfulfilled at certain points.  For example, it's always a little bit strange to know that she's watching the clock and, while you're pouring your heart out and trying to tell this person that your life, the life that you had hoped would be okay, is a nightmare, five minutes are left on the clock.  And my therapist is really strict about time and session length.

Another thing is (and I get that she's trying to help) that I feel like she suggests unreasonable things.  Like when I was complaining about a lack of support or help from my virtually non-existent family, she suggested that I call upon friends to watch my son on a weekly basis or who could come over and make meals for me.   I was like, what??!  I mean, I have a good amount of friends and I'm close with them but I don't know anyone who has the time or energy to come over to my house and make meals for me on a regular basis.  When I mentioned this to her, she acted as though I didn't know how to make deep friendships.  I was just confused--I guess she must have some super, duper, amazing friends who would be willing to take time from their families and jobs to do all kinds of stuff for her.  Also, about the friend thing: she's always suggesting that I join meetup, etc.  I tried telling her that I see at least one or two friends during the week and go on an outing (listen, as a working mother of a toddler, that's a lot) and she's always surprised as though she thinks I'm some sort of recluse with no social connections.  Another example of the strange suggestions: she asked me what makes me happy and I mentioned that making music and being in a band made me happy (at one point in my life, anyway) and she come up with this idea: "Well, I have an idea for you--how about enjoying a piece of that in your everyday life.  How about listening to a song when you get in your car after the session?"  I was like, I listen to the radio all the time--why do you think that's a ground-breaking suggestion.

And the exercise and yoga thing.  I know, I know--exercise is the silver bullet for all health issues, right?  You can just be un-depressed if you took up jogging!  Look, I'm an active person--I run around all day, I take walks and do errands.  I know it's not jogging or yoga but I'm so tired by the end of the day, I don't know how I'd fit that in.  And I've tried it for a while--the stress of scheduling it in negated any minimal positive effect it was having.  Please, stop with the constant "why don't you try a yoga class?" suggestions.

I'm making it out to sound like she's not that great of a therapist but she actually is pretty good.  I just feel a little out of sync with her on her suggestions and teh rigid 45 minute window thing.

And, I also feel like things have kind of run their course.  We hashed out that I'm depressed.  Pretty badly depressed.  My marriage is in major trouble.  My sister-in-law probably has borderline personality disorder, which is why her moods are so unstable and she's so emotionally unreliable.  My mother-in-law has OCD as a coping mechanism.  My mother probably suffered from depression all of my life but hid it from me.  I mean these are important pieces and things but now, I want action items.  I want someone to sit me down and be like, ______, girl, this is what you need to do: Step 1, Step 2, Step 3.  Unfortunately, no reasonable person I know is going to play dice with my screwed up life and tell me what to do.

Image from: http://apkdownloadget.blogspot.com/2015/03/roll-dice_8.html

Hello Friends,

Thanks so much for visiting my blog.  I’ve started many a blog before and abandoned them after a post or two but I am hoping to be consistent with this one.  The last few weeks, months and years have been really rough, some of the most difficult years I’ve experienced.  And, I’m afraid, it’ll get much, much worse before it even gets better.  If it ever gets better…

Tonight, on this cool summer evening in New York City, I find myself hoping for faith.  Somewhere in the past fews years, I lost faith.  I lost faith in better things, good things, in the possibilities of things.  I was never particularly religious but I used to have a strong belief in God and the Universe and Good (as vague as that sounds).  Recently, however, I’ve been so hammered down by life that I’m afraid to even ask, to even hope.  It’s hard to explain.  I had a pretty terrible childhood but one thing that kept me going was the idea that things were going to be alright.  I found beauty in things, miracles in small events, promises in rainclouds.  I thought the Universe and I had something going.  Then, things changed.  They changed and changed and kept getting worse.  I felt like the Universe slapped me hard across the face and while I was down, spit on me.  I was shocked and afraid.  Now I’m afraid to dream and to hope.  I feel like things will come crashing down again if I have any expectations.

My life right now is a trainwreck.  In a nutshell:

1) I’m married to a guy with OCPD (it’s not OCD, they just gave this insidious disorder a stupid name so everyone thinks it is OCD; basically it’s like being with a person who has Aspergers, Narcissism, and OCD all rolled into one terrible package–oh yeah, it gets worse with age and there’s no cure).  Here is what life is like with this person: He’s unstable in mood so it’s like walking on eggshells all the time.  He hates life and the world in general (not because he’s depressed but because his disorder puts him at odds with an imperfect, messy world).  He is really quick to point out flaws and dole out lovely names for me (for example: “Animal,” as in “You disgusting animal” not as in “You sexy beast”).  We are not intimate with each other to the point that I can’t even remember the last time we held hands.  It may have been years ago and I just remember it felt uncomfortable for both of us–me, because who wants to hold hands with someone who doesn’t want to hold hands with you and him, because, well, he probably hates me or is disgusted by me or both.  My marriage is loveless, sexless and as cold as ice.  It hurts.  All. The. Time.

2) My Mother, my best friend, who was like my North Star and compass has the beginning stages of dementia and falls down so much that she’s very dependant on me, her only child.

3)  My parents always had and continue to have a bad marriage where they fight and I am stuck in the middle of it–to this day.  It’s really fun when my Mom has dementia and is vulnerable and my Dad will barely talk to her while living together with her.  Also, they have some really, really bad, horrible secrets that they disclosed ONLY to me at the age of 10 and it’s been a burden to carry around this horrible-ness.  No, I can’t tell you.  And yes, someone would go to prison if anyone found out.

4)  My Dad has six other (much older kids) from his previous marriage who live fabulously wonderful lives where they’re really close, happy and together with their husbands, multiple children, nice homes, etc., etc.  It’s an awesome backdrop to my constant lonely misery.

5) I have almost no other family.  I don’t have a cousin I can call and vent to.  I don’t have a sister whose shoulder I can cry on.  You get the picture.

6) I have health issues involving autoimmunity that knock me off my feet for a couple of weeks of the year.

7) I have a toddler who is amazing but really attuned to the fact that his father and I have issues.

8) I’m pregnant with twins.  Four months pregnant.  You may be wondering how that happened if we aren’t intimate with each other.  Let’s just say that it was brief, awkward and done so that my toddler could have siblings.

9) I have anger issues and probably am suffering from severe depression.

10) All of my friends have normal lives with great families and husbands and kids.  When I try to talk to my friends about my issues, they’re nice and sympathetic but they also don’t know how to relate or what to say.  They fight with their husbands over things like where they should vacation.

I guess a lot of people have it much worse but it’s been hard for me to deal with.   Really hard.  And I have all sorts of white hairs to prove it!